2004-05-17 10:26 a.m. qokay, so i got my recent diagnoses or dx as we call it.... I am bipolar, formally called manic depressive. I am a rapid cycler which means i go through manic states or highs and depressive states or lows in a fast reoccurring manner. This definately seems to describe me. before m doc had me diagnosed as schizophrenic. that was scary. i was unsure if i should have a child. But after we talked more and more she realized that i have bipolar with chances of psychosis. So this is new news to me. I definately know that when i am in a manic state i have tons of energy,i talk a lot, i act silly or crazy,i am sexually -uh very active, I don't make intelligent choices, i go on shopping binges and i feel like i am better than everyone as well as the life of the party.sometimes i get very irritable or agitated easily,i.e. throwing lollipops at the wall or tearing all the magazine pictures off my wall as fast as possible. Also, I can't sit still, concentrate or relax. You''ll never find me playing a card game or watching an entire movie in one sitting. then there is the depressive phase. I feel useless,worthless,ugly,consumed by doom, lack of energy,motivation, very depressed,crying exessively, angry at people for now rational reason,violent, i.e. like i wanna hit the car in front of me when driving.i tend to be very quiet,shy and isolate myself from others. i have a long,drawn look on my face and i could just sit and stare,even at a party.
**so I was given a new drug to take in addition to my other two and so far, it is working like a charm. i actually smile. And i got my list of things to be depressed about down to only two things.
1. my weight gain
2. my lack of a best friend/constant companion
before the list went on and on.
I plan on switching from zoloft to wellbutrin, zoloft is causing my weight gain and sleepiness. wellbutrin gives you energy and does not cause weight gain.
i got a bike. my parents and siblings came down one day to attend the pdoc appointment with me. which went very well by the way. and my mom suggested i get a bike to help me exercise. I have been riding it every day. I go up venitian and down venitian. that is about 2 miles. not bad. but still no loss of weight. i don't eat a lot. its the damn medicine, it changes your metabolism. so hopefully when i come off the zoloft things will change.
okay as far as my second complaint, its a friend issue. both of the people that not only understand me, but relate to me like in CT and MA. so, having them as a best friend , like i use to is impossible. funny. they both have bipolar disorder. i dont know if they have bipolar 1 or bipolar 2. bipolar 2 is when the change in mood only occurs once every year. I believe stacey is a rapid cycler, though i know she chooses not to 'label' herself with any mental disease. anyways, i just wish i had them around. we would spend our days together and have fun doing so. we would talk for long periods of time, having in depth conversations about our moods, interests, life, why life sux, etc etc etc. we'd enjoy exploring music together and movies that have depth and meaning. and so on. i just miss this person. someone i can relate to.
I have tried finding someone using the internet, no such luck. the chances are slim. I have gone to chat rooms and made friends in there, but they all live far away so that's no good. I just don't know what to do. plus most people work, so its not like they could hang out with me during the day. I don't know. right now "its just me, myself and I.... is all i got in the end, and it ain't no need to cry, i took a vow that from now on,im'a be my own best friend"
- - 2004-05-23
depression started the day you were born - 2004-05-17
me, myself and I. In a nutshell, cracked in half. - 2004-05-17
just a blabber - 2004-04-29
companion, crutch - 2004-04-23