2004-05-17 6:09 p.m. qi figured out why i am so uncomfortable while people are around in my home space... I am at constant fear that people are judging me, i set this imaginary bar and i expect myself to reach above and beyond it. I get closterphobic when someone is in the room with me while I watch tv. except kurt. i tighten, shrink and remain silent.
I also have been thinking, maybe my depression comes from post pardum depression.... that is, sad that i am detached from my mother.that deep down subconciously i desire to be back in my mother. so close to her, that i try to live up to her expectations, even deep down try to be her. I think depression begins at the early stages of our development. when we have trouble separating from our mother and have separation anxiety, even our food supply is hard to ween us off of, we have to establish trust from the beginning, and trust is earned through touch..mothers holding their young,nursing them and rocking them. The less your mother 'babied' you, the more distant the two of you grew and thus the harder you have to try to gain the closeness again. Your whole life you struggle to be 'inside' her and you never can. Depression comes from that underlying feeling of never meeting up to expectations.
- - 2004-05-23
depression started the day you were born - 2004-05-17
me, myself and I. In a nutshell, cracked in half. - 2004-05-17
just a blabber - 2004-04-29
companion, crutch - 2004-04-23