I am doll eyes, Doll mouth, Doll legs, I am doll arms, Big veins, Dog bait, Yea they really want you, They really want you, They really do, Yea they really want you, They really want you, But I do too, I want to be the girl with the most cake, I love him so much he just turns to hate 2004-02-18 7:23 p.m. qokay, so a few days ago I bought a pack of cigarrettes. I don't smoke in front of my boyfriend, never did before. When we first started dating, back in 1998, he told me that he wished i wouldnt smoke them. I stopped smoking and was only a closet smoker here and there. The year that he wasn't up at UHA I smoked like a chimney. but whatever. my friend stacey knows about my bouts of smoking and not smoking. Well, I bought these cigarrettes and told my boyfriend about them. I said, hun , I did something that you wont be proud of. he looked worried. God knows what he thought id say. Cause lord knows we've been through some shit. He said , what now. I told him I bought cigarrettes. Chaaarlee he said to me. Baby, why'd you do that. How many have you smoked? 3 , I said. I just had an urge to smoke them. for the next 24 hours he called my the marlboro man or joe camel. funny funny. I didnt smoke one in front of him, i just couldnt. But, it's my life and my body, i should be able to. and im sure i could have. I would get the rolling of the eyes, the- don't come near me or don't kiss me after you do that. Then next day Im sitting there with him watching American Idol and he sees them on the coffee table. What the fuck is this charlee.. picks up the pack. Do you really wanna smoke these? I mean what for? I didn't know what to say. So I said, well cause you get to smoke pot and I quit that and alcohol so I have to have something. That's ridiculous he tells me. Well, I was bored. >lame excuse< Bored?! what kinda excuse is that he says. stupid. I guess deep down, if I could give a rationale for my decision.. I knew all along that I couldn't become a smoker again in front of him, his mom, his brother. I mean after five plus years in this house, I only smoked about 3 times. But something inside of me wanted him to know that I fell off. That I was weak. Something inside of me wanted him to tell me not to do it. Like I wanted to be controlled almost. Wierd, but I like it when he 'takes care of me' Yeah I craved the cigarrettes and yeah I was kinda bored. But I knew he would command this sort of Good Guy Power over me. So I told him to take them.. he did, he flushed about 13 cigarrettes down the toilet. He came back and I said, THank you kurt for doing that. Well, I care about you charlee and that was a very patrick(sponge bob) thing to do. So......

````Update```````

Today when he left for school. I just wanted to smoke another cigarrette so bad. Got in my car, drove up the street to hess. bought another pack.. Now I'm thinking what the fuck is wrong with me. I drove to the mall smoked about 2. went in and spent money, that I don't have on clothes I don't need. and it felt good. Got in my car, smoked another one. And now I'm here typing up the story. Overall, I think what I've done is pretty pathetic. I coulda just been like. oh well, deal with it, im smoking cigarettes. But I guess I seek his approval so much that I wouldn't want him to not be proud of me. So I'm gonna smoke some more cigarrettes in the house, until he gets back. And that's all I can do.

what should I do. who knows.

Sign my guestbook, give me some advice.

Join my Notify List and get email when I update my site:
email:
Powered by NotifyList.com

---

- - 2004-05-23
depression started the day you were born - 2004-05-17
me, myself and I. In a nutshell, cracked in half. - 2004-05-17
just a blabber - 2004-04-29
companion, crutch - 2004-04-23

My Diary new older about me leave me a note mail aim *guestbook* **Pics of Me** layout diaryland Courtney Love Can you deal? Characters Hey hey! .. =) So here it is: Erin: Me! Blonde hair, green eyes, 5'1. I live in Lindenhurst,NY-Long Island baby! I love to listen to music, party, hang out with my friends and my boyfriend. My favorite food is Pasta. I love summer and going to the beach for tanning of course. Random facts: -I have a cat named Izzy and one named Smokey I like to buy new shampoo and conditioner as often as possible -Kurt and I have been together for 5+years I won't let my daughter(when I have one) play with Barbies -As a child I lived on Spegghetios -I was born in Palm Beach Gardens,Fl. -I'm very creative -I wanna go back to school for Creative Arts Therapy -I love rain and thunderstorms I used to model when i was young and want to do it again -I hate my feet -I love the smell of fresh cut grass, and gasoline -when I was little I was afraid of knives -I'm obsessed with Courtney love -My friends call my "erbear",you're a special friend if you call me Er -I've always loved People say I am: a)creative b)intuitive c)I look like mena suvari =). Buh bye! .**Erin**. moon phases � My Mood**always SugarComa SNOOP these peeps barbie07 noelanii beautiful08 brittybaby perceptionss sugarbabylon carmen4ever free2dream glittercaz hotkisses69 teen-mother